Hey, it’s been an entire month almost. My last post was July 13th, it’s August 10th.
I have a lot to catch you up on.
After the car accident, my mother was using a rental paid by our insurance to get around. The car wasn’t totaled, but it cost a pretty penny to repair. The good thing was that our insurance covered all of it because it was such a new car. The deductible was only 500, which I paid for myself. It took a while to save up enough, but I paid half of my next year’s rent, and my dad helped me get a beater car. It cost 1000, I put 200 towards it. My dad only wants me to pay him back 500 of the 800, as a “late graduation present”.
A few weeks ago, we put my dog down. I went to work in the morning when I was happening, cried for like 2 hours straight until they told me that I should go home. I tried to get my sister to come get me to go home but she wouldn’t, so I got my best friend to pick me up and we hung out the entire day. He’s my rock.
That was really hard. I miss my dog every day. And that is just one of the terrible things that has happened to me this summer. You’d better sit down before reading this next one.
My mom went in to get her mammogram. They found a lump in her right breast and said that they would like to do further testing on it. When she told us this, I didn’t think much of it because I thought, “God wouldn’t give us another big hit this summer, we have had enough.”
They took a tissue sample with a big needle. They tested it. Came back positive for breast cancer.
Wonderful.
I’m having a hard time continuing to write this because just the word
cancer
It’s world-shattering
time-stopping
earth-shaking
I hate it
They took an ultrasound to see how big the lump was, and at first they believed it was pretty small. They said it would be a quick and easy mastectomy to get rid of it. And then they did a little further testing.
It’s bigger than they thought. It has reached two lymph nodes. A simple mastectomy is not going to fix it. She will have to do chemotherapy.
I hate that word too.
They’ll do it for four months, see how it is going, and have a mastectomy then.
They’re also running more tests to see if it is anywhere else in her body, and to see if she carries a cancer genome. If she carries that genome, all of my siblings and I will start testing for cancer early on in our adult lives, and frequently throughout. Hooray.
That’s all fine and dandy. The funniest thing is that we got the news on the 5th of this month. That is my little sister’s birthday (she’s 11, bless her heart) and it’s 3 days before mine. 3 days before I turned 18. Happy fucking birthday, your mother has breast cancer.
And I was soooooo looking forward to this month. With my birthday on the 8th, going camping from the 14th to the 22nd, and going up to college on the 25th. And now everything hurts. Nothing is happy.
My birthday was okay. I had a Walk The Moon concert all planned out and stuff. I went with my friend Elaine. It was an amazing concert. And I forgot about everything in the moment. But now that it’s over, I’m even more deflated because I was soooo happy in that moment, and everything dropped back down.
But early in the day, my dad took me to lunch. That was fine, he gave me some vanilla cupcake goldfish and this cute turtle hand sanitizer holder. And then he said that he ordered me a wireless printer. Lol. Why??? That was my immediate reaction. But it’s fine, whatever. I’m sure it’ll be very useful. After that I picked up Elaine and we headed downtown to the venue. Doors opened at 7, we got there at 4:30 and the line was already insane. We stood at the end, and I was very upset. I had planned out this day so that we would be up at the barriers for the concert. So I wasn’t going to accept this. It was my fucking birthday and my mom just got cancer, I was going to get what I wanted, for once.
I knew that a girl I had befriended on Twitter was going to be there with her group of friends. And I also knew that she had some special passes that got them in the doors before the normal line. So I went to find her, while Elaine held our spot in the shitty line. Keep in mind that I barely know this girl, and her friends have never even heard of me. I walk up to her and her group, and explain a small part of my story. I don’t mention cancer the entire day because I just couldn’t do it. But I told her how it was my birthday and my dad had taken me to a late lunch, causing my schedule to be ruined. She explained to me that the passes she had were not hers, they were her friend Cynthia’s. Cynthia wasn’t there yet because she was making some fake copies of the passes.
This is where I got a little discouraged. Fake passes? Seems like trouble. But I asked her if she could make two more anyways. She told me that Cynthia was already on her way back. So I stood there for a minute contemplating why the world was beating me down. And then I had an idea. I asked her if I could take a pass to Staples and get our own copies. She didn’t see a problem with it, but she didn’t have one with her. Her friend Maria did. GOD BLESS MARIA. Maria volunteered to go with me to Staples to make these copies. Now, these passed are not just simple pieces of paper. They were a pretty exact dimension, with a special kind of card stock paper. Not easily copied. So we get to Staples, and we ask the worker if she could make two copies as close as possible. And she does it perfectly. Almost the same paper, very authentic. And when I go to pay for it she says, “Don’t worry about the cost” and walks away. If I could talk to her now, I would tell her how much that simple act of kindness meant to me that day. God bless.
So we have our passes, we just need the special lanyards they come in. They’re like big ID badges. Very hard to find. We don’t really know what to do next, so we just head back for now. It’s about 5:30 when we get back, and the good news is that the crew of the venue were letting people sign up for new passes (that they wouldn’t let us use that day bc they’re brand new) so I get one. And it came with a new lanyard. *sunglasses emoji*
So we have the passes. We have the lanyards. We have a spot in line with the early admittance, about 6 people in front of us. And I knew it was going to work perfectly.
One fun thing about Walk The Moon is that they put warpaint on their faces for fun, and all the fans do too (if they know that fun fact anyways). So Elaine and I had the plan to paint our faces hardcore while in line. Which is pretty much what we did. We left the line and walked to a big shady tree (it was really hot) and sat down under it to paint our faces. This was around 6:00. So we get painting, it’s going well. The tree is right next to the back stage door of the venue. So we’re painting, and out walks a member of the band, Kevin Ray. KEVIN FUCKING RAY. LOVELY HUMAN BEAN I LOVE HIM. But he’s talking on the phone /sadface. So we just watch him, and leave him alone. Because we aren’t rude, crazy, disrespectful fans. We’re the best type of fan. Respect the artists, they work hard for you. But he was literally like 10 feet away.
We continue painting. Earlier on when we had pulled up, we had driven past a small park where the lead singer, Nick Petricca, was sitting under a tree with his girlfriend. That was really cute. And we didn’t bother them, because again, respect. But while we were painting, he walked right past us to the back stage door with his girlfriend, but he was like hiding really well under his hoodie so we wouldn’t notice. BLESS HIM. I LOVE HIM. That was cool too.
We finish painting and run back to where my car is parked to put everything away, like all the paint and our bags. Then we get back in line. It’s about 6:45. I’m excited now. My face paint looks badass, and I’m feeling fly. Finally, it’s 7:00, they let the pass people in, and we all start running. I’m bookin’ it because I know that the barriers will be taken really quick, and Elaine had to stop to pick up her ticket at will call. I had to run in and hold room for her there. But we both made it, right against the barriers, mostly middle, slightly to the left of the stage. And it was perfect. I could go into such detail, but it would take days. I’ll just go over the simple facts.
They played my favorite songs. The security had this big water pump that they would wear like a backpack, with a hose attached (looked like a ghost buster’s backpack thing) and they would spray us with cold water every once in a while. The venue didn’t allow us to bring in our own water bottles (they wanted us to buy theirs at $3 each lmao no thanks) so me, being the clever girl I am, smuggled in a water bottle in my bra. LMAO. YES IN MY BRA. I AM BLESSED IN THE CHEST AREA. And I fit an entire water bottle in it. *another fucking sunglasses emoji* The security filled my water with their hose a few times, and I was #blessed. At the end, I caught a guitar pick and Elaine almost caught an official setlist, but someone grabbed it too and ripped it out of her hands. We got out and stood in line for the merchandise table (the line was insane omg). I got a vinyl of the new album (check it out, it’s called Talking Is Hard) and a poster that was made especially for Salt Lake City. Then we went outside to wait.
We were hoping and praying that the guys would come out to say hi and take pictures. So we were waiting for maybe half an hour, chillin. It was like outside a chain link gate, by the venue. We were all just sitting on the ground, there were maybe 20 people. And running up to the fence screaming, here comes KEVIN FUCKING RAY. PRAISE THE LORD. And he’s like “hahahahahah did I scare you guys????” AND I’M LOSING IT. Behind him, walking calmly, is Nicholas Petricca, my sunshine boy. And he’s just like “Hey all you beautiful people, what is up?” and they start meeting each and every one of us individually. Elaine and I talk to Kevin first. He’s adorable. I ask for a hug, he’s a great hugger. I ask him to sign my vinyl, he’s a great signer. I ask him for a picture, he’s a great picture-taker. And I tell him basically, thank you for coming, the show was amazing, you picked a perfect night to come to Utah, it’s actually my 18th birthday. And he wishes me a happy birthday, and says that he loved the show too, and he thanked us for coming. Elaine got a hug and a picture and we said goodbye. I love him. We then walked over to where Nick was hanging out, and talked to him for a minute. I got a hug, omg another great hugger. I got my vinyl signed. His signature was super cute. And I got a picture with him, what an adorable little man. I told him that it was my birthday and he was just as excited about it as I was. I thanked him for the show, he thanked us for coming, we got another hug, and we said goodbye. And that was it. I love him too. We met 2/4 of the members of Walk The Moon. Eli and Sean didn’t come out /sadface. But its okay, I got a lot. As we were walking back to the car, a member of the venue’s crew pulls up and says he has an official setlist from the show if we want it, for $10. That’s a great price for an official setlist, so I obviously take it, and its adorable. They wrote their setlist on a paper plate. Who does that???/?? Idk, but I love it. It’s in Nick’s handwriting, it has the list of the songs, the date, SLC for Salt Lake City, and W+M for Walk the Moon. The date was the coolest thing about it bc its 8/8/15, my birthday. Love it.
That’s not even a fourth of all the detail I could tell you about. But it’s a lot, so I’m going to end it for now. It was a great night. And I forgot every trouble I’ve had this summer.
I forgot about my first car breaking down.
I forgot about wrecking my mom’s car.
I forgot about losing my dog.
I forgot that my mom has breast cancer.
But I remember now. I’m back to reality. And it hurts. I would never trade that day for the world. But that day is over now.
My sister is thinking about staying home from college this semester. Me, my brother, and my sister were all going to go up there together this year. We have 3 different apartments though, which is great. But now that mom is going to be doing chemo, my sister wants to stay. She thinks that she is the best one of us to stay because she already has some college under her belt, more than me or my brother. It’s my first year, so mom wouldn’t let me stay even if I asked. I don’t know, I guess we’ll see what happens.
When we got the news, some of my first thoughts were “Why is God punishing my family?”, “He’s punishing me for being gay”, “He’s punishing me just to break me down some more”, “We can’t take anymore this year, I swear”.
My family, they’re all great people. They really don’t deserve this. I’m not the best person, but my actions in God’s eyes (however he sees me, the way I was raised tells me that I am an abomination) are my responsibility, my family shouldn’t be punished for what I have done or what I am. If that is even how it works, I don’t claim to know.
But I’m still just angry at God.
We’re going camping this Friday. We go every year. We’ll be back in about 8 or 9 days. And then she starts chemo. And at the same time, I’ll be leaving to college.
And I’m scared.
I am terrified.
I can’t be there for her. The college is 2 hours away, I could come down but we don’t have the money for the gas that trip requires.
I don’t want her to be alone.
I’m losing it.
-Rachel
ratchet rambles 